choice

I’ve been thinking about motivations( with relation to me crossing over) and also was discussing with my friend on twitter. Motivations, right or wrong. Do they matter? Rising the ranks in the military, for personal achievement or to improve the org, do they matter? Joining the army as a career cause you think its a suitable career or because you feel that the army is a worthy org for you to put in your effort. Just some things to think about. Well, the rationalist would just feel that they all don’t matter as they let you get your job done ( purpose of motivations). What do you think?

spin

It feels like the world is revolving without you. That was how I felt when we met up. I missed those times in cj when we always hid in the council room in the morning, away from the school. I missed those times when we went for night study sessions together and how jeremy would get koi for us. I missed those times when we were busy preparing for events that we forget the time. It was the best part of my life so far. Everyone was one. I miss you 35th student council.

the lessons.

I just read this book ‘the lessons’ by naomi alderman and it really set me thinking. As we grow up, we realise that everything about life is arbitrary. I think that was what the book was trying to put across and it is through these arbitrary incidents and coincidences, we learn lessons and find meaning to it.

Just to share, there was this rather long phrase in the book which I found rather striking: There is a kind of love which is selfless. It is a love which waits through all things, which is patient and hopeful, which does not need to be returned. It is a love which is confident in itself and burns on and on though no fuel is added to the fire. It is a perfect love; more perfect than the love between equals. I do not know if it is a love towards which it is proper for human beings to aspire.

How great if we could all possess or experience this kind of love for someone we know. But we know we are unable, because we are human beings and human beings tend to be selfish and self-motivated so much so that society has no place for pure generosity and compassion that requires no incentive.

We can point out all the wrongs but talk is cheap. Actions are inert.

Some for food for thought, its quite messy though.

indecisiveness

When indecisiveness occurs and one is pressed to make a decision.

I am just going to let nature takes its course

the one

Everyone has heard of  ‘the one’ . But really, no one can prove that there is someone there who is perfect for you. It is like some kind of fairytale that adults hold onto, to convince themselves that true love actually exist. But really does it? Why does no one say, theres no one that is really perfect for you. That is because, no one likes to believe in despair and all the negatives. They want to surround themselves with postives and hope that it will come true anyway. So who do we believe? Is there really someone out there for you and me? Someone whom can understand all our thoughts without them being verbalised. Someone who knows our likes and dislikes. Someone who is part of us. I guess we really wont know till we find out ourselves. Because, there is no harm trying. There is no harm in failing and standing up again because along the journey we have someone to accompany us to make us less lonely. Maybe this is the purpose of life. It is not the result that matters but the journey that we partake. The journey that involves the many people in our lives. Maybe the one is made up of these people.

change

its 2011. the 3rd day. It feels like 2010,though. With the new year, I expected new things to happen. Things that were to change, but everything feels the same. For it is only the 3rd day of the new year. Was I setting too high an expectation for myself to observe some change? It is the new year and that is valid reasoning I guess.

However Change is not sudden, Change is gradual and it catches you when you least expect it. So maybe I should wait and see. Wait and perhaps, we will see change.

its been awhile.

hey,

its been awhile since i posted.

well, ive been through alot for the past few months. I mean, looking back im quite amazed how i pulled through everything. family problems, friend problems, people hating me cause “i flirt alot and then pretend nothing really happen”, people thinking i am having some sort of “tension”with them and also with the upcoming prelims. it was rolled up like a huge massive pile of peanut butter cookie dough rolled towards my direction. Well, its untrue to say that I was never daunted or had any thought of giving up everything and running away. But, I guess everything’s over now, just right before the new beginning. * deep breaths. It has been one hell of a ride, this two years. and as it slowly wraps up, i begin to bid adieu. Because from then, we all begin a new chapter in our lives, but no matter what we all know once we had will always be and never been taken away.

okay i have totally went out of point. blah.

modularity

i need to organise my notes, worksheets. i need files.

scrub it.

I want to run. really fast. away from all 0f this.

Do you believe in karma? I’m sure I do. It is like a boomerang. You throw it really really far and think that it will never come back, but it does, swifter and stronger.

Tonight will be a cold night and the only thing soothing me to sleep will be my blanket. I shall hide there, I feel safe and warm, away from all danger that may potentially drain the soul out of me.

I feel difficult. difficult to handle. I cant even handle myself. I feel stupid. foolish and immature.

If you are reading this and feeling very puzzled, dont be. Cause I dont even know what Im talking about too. But just know that today, my chest feels heavy. weighed down by my guilt, my worries, my concerns and my heavy heart.